Life and everyhting in it

So, I am in New York this week. I should be sleeping but I am not. I have to ge up to go to the airport in 4 hours and I can not sleep. I close my eyes and sleep does not exist.So I think.

I think about how I have great friends and a great life in Minnesota. God told me to stay in invest about two years ago and I listened. Not easy for me. And I know I am loved. And I know I am needed, and I know I am a part. I think about how I go there with people. One of my friends told me that a few years back and I was not sure what she meant but often I am reminded of it. And I do go there with people. And sometimes it is painful. But I remember that Christ told us to morn with those who morn and be joyful with those who have joy. So I think it is God that enables me to go there with people. Even when it is painful.

I think about how some of my friends are getting married and starting new relationships. And how often when Christians get married all these people around them tell stories about how they had just "given" singleness to God and then God blessed them with that special someone. I do not think the world really works like that. Or that God really works like that. Sometimes singleness is great. I get to make my own decisions. No one hurts me like a spouse can and I get freedom. But many times, singleness is lonely. And I just need someone to know me, to touch me, to make decisions with me. I think it is a giving to God without ceasing kind of thing. I know that God fulfills my needs but I also know that God made us to do life together. And we are not that great at doing that in America in 2008. So I give my loneliness and my longing to God with each breath. I am pray that when I do get married I remember not to tell some story about finally giving singleness to God.

I think about how I am so blessed. I have a good place to live and I GET to go to school again. But I can not make my budget work on paper. I just do not make enough money. So I do not know exactly what to do? (I wish I had someone to help me make this decision).

I think about how, my best friend from high school has three kids. And I do not know them. But I know some other kids. And they are great. I even love them and they love me. But they are not my kids. And I always thought that at the end I would have some great kids.

I think I would be a good mom. But life does not always turn out as you plan. And even though I would be a good mom I do not want to do this on my own. So I give that to God to. And I wait.

I think life is not about the waiting it is about living. So I live. I go on vacation. And I make plans. I find great people to live with and we have parties. I cook for myself and I eat at the table even though I am eating alone. I try to be a good friend who loves deeply. I go to nursing school, to learn how to take care people. I work nights, because there is no one waiting in my bed. I buy fun toys and spend my money with out thought. I walk on alone.

I think and then I pray. I pray with each breath. It is not a learned thing or a natural trait. I give all credit for my ability to pray without ceasing to God. It began simply, with repeating prayers, followed by saying the Lords prayer through out the day. Sometimes that is the end but often, there is prayer with each breath. Which can only be a gift of the Spirit. Because we all know I do not have the attention span.And I think why am I not sleeping. It is stupid not to sleep. How am I going to fit it all in if I do not get to sleep now. I might get sick and I can not call in sick again. I am weak and often a minute away from making a stupid mistake.

But I am also deeply loved, forgiven and growing. And I rest in that. Even if I can not sleep I rest in the presents of the one who created me. And He knows me even if no one else does.