Monday night football....and who knows?

trying to keep my head on my shoulders

Feeling so tired and so drained.

Why does it have to be so complicated?

Wish we were born with toe tags

Sometimes life happens when you are not looking

Sometimes life happens when you are not looking.

He walked in. We hugged, I was glad to see him.

I was worried while he was away.

I had no right to worry.

There was nothing between us.

Then we chatted, I thought about him while he was away. Not sure if he thought of me.

Then we talked it was hard to leave.

He came to the baseball game today.

We chatted, we connected.

I think we made plans.

And the rest is left to be figured out.

I feel like my life changed before my eyes. I was not expecting this. I was hurting.

What is next?

I think I was noticed

It feels great to be noticed.

Not sure it is going to work. Ideological differences.

But I am smiling.

Felt like I was on a first date. But there were other people and I think I gave him my number.

I am devastated

I am devastated. The whole thing is a lie.

It feels like it is all a lie.

I am hurt.

I am not allowed to hurt, it is not about me. I have to be supportive. I have to, but what if I can't?

Lord help. I need you to come to my rescue. There is no one to turn to.

Please be my rock, my solid ground. Please show me your purpose. From the pit I cry out, against you and only you I have sinned, I have done evil in your sight. Cast me not from your presents but renew my spirit. Even the young sumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord, he will renew thier strength.

I need strength.

Sometimes I wish I could be crazy

So...Donald Miller prayed at the DNC last week. It was a nice prayer, I think it was a difficult prayer. Knowing that so many people were going to pick it apart and criticise your every word. I just could not do it.

But he seems nice and I always joke about proposing to him. If I were crazy I would. Just write him a letter and say hey "I am nice, you seem nice, lets skip all the crazy head games and just get married".

I am not crazy. So Donald Miller you are probably never going to know me.


So, I just found Don Millers blog, I decided to write a comment. In it I proposed. So I guess that is taken care of. Does this mean I am crazy?

Life and everyhting in it

So, I am in New York this week. I should be sleeping but I am not. I have to ge up to go to the airport in 4 hours and I can not sleep. I close my eyes and sleep does not exist.So I think.

I think about how I have great friends and a great life in Minnesota. God told me to stay in invest about two years ago and I listened. Not easy for me. And I know I am loved. And I know I am needed, and I know I am a part. I think about how I go there with people. One of my friends told me that a few years back and I was not sure what she meant but often I am reminded of it. And I do go there with people. And sometimes it is painful. But I remember that Christ told us to morn with those who morn and be joyful with those who have joy. So I think it is God that enables me to go there with people. Even when it is painful.

I think about how some of my friends are getting married and starting new relationships. And how often when Christians get married all these people around them tell stories about how they had just "given" singleness to God and then God blessed them with that special someone. I do not think the world really works like that. Or that God really works like that. Sometimes singleness is great. I get to make my own decisions. No one hurts me like a spouse can and I get freedom. But many times, singleness is lonely. And I just need someone to know me, to touch me, to make decisions with me. I think it is a giving to God without ceasing kind of thing. I know that God fulfills my needs but I also know that God made us to do life together. And we are not that great at doing that in America in 2008. So I give my loneliness and my longing to God with each breath. I am pray that when I do get married I remember not to tell some story about finally giving singleness to God.

I think about how I am so blessed. I have a good place to live and I GET to go to school again. But I can not make my budget work on paper. I just do not make enough money. So I do not know exactly what to do? (I wish I had someone to help me make this decision).

I think about how, my best friend from high school has three kids. And I do not know them. But I know some other kids. And they are great. I even love them and they love me. But they are not my kids. And I always thought that at the end I would have some great kids.

I think I would be a good mom. But life does not always turn out as you plan. And even though I would be a good mom I do not want to do this on my own. So I give that to God to. And I wait.

I think life is not about the waiting it is about living. So I live. I go on vacation. And I make plans. I find great people to live with and we have parties. I cook for myself and I eat at the table even though I am eating alone. I try to be a good friend who loves deeply. I go to nursing school, to learn how to take care people. I work nights, because there is no one waiting in my bed. I buy fun toys and spend my money with out thought. I walk on alone.

I think and then I pray. I pray with each breath. It is not a learned thing or a natural trait. I give all credit for my ability to pray without ceasing to God. It began simply, with repeating prayers, followed by saying the Lords prayer through out the day. Sometimes that is the end but often, there is prayer with each breath. Which can only be a gift of the Spirit. Because we all know I do not have the attention span.And I think why am I not sleeping. It is stupid not to sleep. How am I going to fit it all in if I do not get to sleep now. I might get sick and I can not call in sick again. I am weak and often a minute away from making a stupid mistake.

But I am also deeply loved, forgiven and growing. And I rest in that. Even if I can not sleep I rest in the presents of the one who created me. And He knows me even if no one else does.